short 4 hour shift, long enough to make me bald. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as stupidity goes but some shift notes for my loyal fans.

IF you are good looking, whether you admit it or not, leaving the bartender with an empty tip jar drops your cute points dramatically. I've even told other women whom have asked about you that you're a cheap ass and probably will expect them to pay your bills. Men, tip your damn bartender.

Wedding parties... omg. What a nightmare. Already been drinking, socializing at the pub in ugly bridesmaid dresses and half drunk. NIGHTMARE. Oh and if you yell miss one more time I'll yank that pretty little flower out of your hair and make you eat it!

Everyone tonight seemed like they had rocks in their mouths while ordering. I mean, it could have been my pounding head ache and the loud band, but I doubt it. Speak up and enunciate your order!

Met a guy for the first time tonight who admitted he had Tourette Syndrome. It would have been funny had he cursed like the guy in Boondock Saints. Instead, he was painful to wait on because he couldn't get his order out of his mouth for stuttering.

Not much to write about. Memorial Day weekend is pretty slow because everyone goes out of town. Here are a few shifts notes from the night.

When I hear certain orders, I automatically know you are not going to give me the appropriate tip. When someone comes up to the bar and orders 5 irish car bombs at $7.50 a pop, I know I'm going to get screwed on the tip. Anyone ordering more than 2 patron shots, I'm getting screwed. If you order an long island ice tea, 90% chance I'm going to get screwed. Guiness? Ya 50% chance even if I take the time and pour it right, which lately I'm finding a better way to screw you in return for not tipping.


Things that will get you an automatic ejection from the bar:
Randomly trying to kiss a random customer at the bar. Yeah Hector, that's for you!

Falling off your barstool.

Taking my salt tray and dumping it in my tip jar. WTF dude!

Falling asleep at the bar. Yes, it happens more than you think!

So thats about it. Since I was in the waitress well it was pretty boring and since I can't whine about what goes on behind the bar I'll just end by giving some advice.

Take the $300 cab ride home. Its better than flirting with the $10k DUI. If you buy a girl a drink, and she tells you she's going to the bathroom, she's most likely not coming back. Buying girls drinks all night does not mean they're going home with you, or giving you their correct number. Hitting on the bartender does not get you free or stronger drinks. Tipping big on the other hand will =) All bartenders are entrepreneurs. Want my attention? SHOW ME THE MONEY! lol

Two more days... You'll get your crack!

Tonight we were slow and had an unusual amount of foreigners, which isn't a bad thing, they just take more time to wait on mainly due to miscommunication. For instance, this guy orders a coffin. A coffin? yeah we're low on those.. btw, what is it? lol Well it happens to be a generous splash of coke mixed in the same glass as a light beer... EWW! So Stella and coke the man gets. A woman in the same party was drinking Dry Vermouth on the rocks with a lemon! I didn't even know how to charge for that! lol And bring on the ghetto! Thanks for making me cringe one more time with a truly nasty drink! Hennessy with raspberry liquor and pineapple! ICK! There were a few idiots tonight but this one took the cake!

C: I'll take a greygoose on the rocks with lemon and lime. Me: Serves the drink, "$6.50 please." C: this is greygoose right? Me: Yes. C: it doesn't look right. are you sure its not water? Me: excuse me? what do you mean it doesn't look right? C: Its not the right color. Me: I'm not sure what color greygoose is in your country, but here its clear. C: It just doesn't look right. Me: Don't know what to tell ya. Its definitely goose.

finishing my stories from last week. I was too exhausted Sat night to finish up the night. Here is the rest.

C: taking a huge stack of napkins and wiping her sweat off her flushed face, "Excuse me! I need a huge glass of water!" Me: Ok C: This band is awesome! I haven't left the dance floor since they started! OMG I'm so hot. Me: serves her the water C: drinks it down in one shot and asks for another Me: fills it back up C: drinks it all back down Me: fills it up one last time C: thanks! I needed that! Oh wait here!! (reaches into her bra and pulls out a $5 bill and holds it out) Me: Yeah no thanks! you can throw it in the tip jar C: Here take it and0 put it in your pocket! Me: I'm good thanks. C: laughs and still holding out the money Me: reach over grab a couple of napkins, grabs the bill with the napkins, wrap up the money and throw it in the tip bucket. Later on I give it to my barback lol AND i still didn't touch that nasty sweaty boobie money!!!

C: Can I have a bluemoon please? Me: sure $4.50 C: pays me. then waves me down again, "Can I have change for this please?" Me: "Sure." Hold up the c-note to make sure its real and waits for the comment about him making it today or something along that line... take the change back to the customer and go about my job. C: waiting, and watching, watching some more, not leaving the bar... staring... Me: I'm sorry, did you need something else? C: Yeah the rest of my money. I already paid you for the beer. Me: Yeah I know, I gave you change for the $100 bill. C: (holds out the change) you shorted me! Me: No I gave you change for $100. count it. C: (counts the money in his hand) its short! watch.. counts out the money in front of me. 20 (its really a fifty), 20, 20, 5, and 5 ones. Me: "May I?" (grabs money from the idiot and counts loud and slamming money on the bar, did i add i was 5 deep? lol) 50! 20! 20! 5! 5 ones! $100. C: See its short. Me: Dude that 20 is a 50! do you need a calculator?! C: OH! Sorry.... Me: ARG!! (bangs head on beer taps)

To start this short shift off we thought we'd be funny and create name tags for ourselves since it was ghetto saturday. One of my bartenders is Philippino and looks hispanic so he usually gets someone ordering from him in spanish.. which normally sets him into a tailspin. Tonight is no different. We had behind the bar a tally sheet going of the number of times he was spoken to in spanish. Funny how it was only 4 when we were taking count. Anyways we all thought it would be funny to start this name tag thing. The Philippino was Guey (spanish for dude), Me as say, and the old guy as hey. It didn't last long before we were told to take our duct tape name tags off =(

the 4 hour shift goes a little something like this:

C: do you have mixed drinks? Me: Nope! we're out! C: what about all those bottles? Me: They're all filled with water, we forgot to pay our alcohol taxes. C: really? Me: No, I'm just mess'n with ya C: oh lol ok then I'll have an applemartini Me: ok. $5.75 C: can you put it in another glass? Me: its a martini and it belongs in a martini glass C: Well its kinda gay Me: then you should order a big boy drink if you don't want to look gay.

C: I'll take a darktan. Me: a what? C: Darktan Me: I'm sorry never heard of one, what is it? C: a drink Me: well duh but what kind C: a big one Me: can you be more vauge? C: it's bass and guiness Me: (knowing now what this ding dong is referring to) never heard of it. C: Oh I'm sure you have, just put it in a pint glass Me: ok then. (serves the drink) C: see you have served it! Me: Its called a black and tan not a darktan! its not a tanning chain dude. C: hahaha you f**king rock Me: I know.

C: I'll take a bud ice! Me: We don't carry bud ice C: yeah bud ice Me: I said we don't carry it! C: I had one earlier Me: Not from this bar! C: yes you do Me: NO WE DON'T C: What's that bottle in the fridge that's white? Me; that's smirnoff ice C: well that's what i ordered! Me: bud ice, smirnoff ice... yeah I see the difference! (cuts customer off after the transaction)


C: I'll have a blue moon! Me: $4.50 C: turns away to talk to a girl Me: serves a few people, takes money, yada yada yada C: HEY! I need another blue moon. Me: I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of a conversation. I've been waiting on your money and now you have to wait on my service.

Wednesday Big Ass Beer Glass night (aka BAB)

C: Can I get a shiner? Me: sure, $1.75 C: (gives me exact change) Sorry I know you guys probably hate when we give you quarters. I just hate it jingling in my pocket. Me: Yeah I can handle the quarters, its the not tipping part that concerns me the most C: I'm broke, sorry. Me: Don't be sorry, just stop coming to the bar.


C: Can I get a goose and ....... um..... what do you have? Me: cranberry, orange, pineapple, grapefruit, soda, sprite, tonic... C: Um soda. Me: *serves collect money and goes about my job C: *returns to the bar about 5 mins later Excuse me miss? This tastes horrible! Me: you ordered a greygoose and soda and soda water doesn't go bad. C: Its awful! Me: Have you ever had one before C: No Me: Well what were you expecting? C: Well I thought soda meant you would make it with sprite or something Me: *eyeroll You ordered soda you got soda *grabs the drink and tosses it So what is it you really wanted? C: goose and pineapple i guess Me: Well that's definitely going to taste different.

There was this one chick from a party months ago that I took special care of and created a monster. There isn't much more in the bar that ticks me off when you take advantage of my kindness (sometimes laziness too lol). So this chick comes back to haunt me every so often and she's quite the binge drinker. When she gets a little toasty, she starts buying shots for everyone in a 360 degree radius. So she decided that she was buying shot for about 4 ppl. She ordered kamikaze's (which is a very weak shot at our bar, we use nonalcholic triplesec lol). The waitress gives them to her and doesn't collect a card. Later she orders more and clearly doesn't need anymore. She gets the round and tries to lay a kiss on my waitress, who runs and hides until she's gone. Now I have to deal with her. Great. She comes up to the bar and can't find her waitress (imagine that, probably because she's hiding in my storeroom) and needs to close her tab. I call on my manager to help me cut her off. She wants one last round. I ask her for her credit card. She gives it to me. We can't find her tab with the waitress, manager says he'll just comp them later to get her out of the bar lol. I ask her how many she had. She says she ordered 8 from the waitress and then had me make 4 more. I told her I didn't make them. She argued I did and she should be charged for them. I didn't argue lol I rang up 12 shots, ran her card and kept the $20 she tipped me for having to deal with her. Binge drinkers really create headaches for us service industry workers, however we have no problems taking full advantage of how much a pain in the ass you are.

Notes from the shift: If you are wearing hooker boots, thigh high boots OR even leather up to the knee boots you need to go home and change your shoes! Its friggin summer and 90 degrees outside! Even I know this being a tshirt and jeans girl! Rat Ranch four nigthts this week... man they draw some crazy ppl in lol Like the guy who dances infront of the stage (whom, by the way, doesn't tip!) He has his own video on youtube posted by a random customer because he dances like he's on crack. Adults who throw up in a bar and get thrown out should have to pay for the carpet cleaning. It smelled like barf all night long, and I had to hear about it as well as smell it the rest of my shift. If your buddy is getting tossed out and doesn't want to leave, let his drunk butt find his own way home lol I advise the 5 min rule. If the "I'm leaving in 5 mins with or without you" doesn't work then that's their own fault. If you weigh more than 300 lbs, please take careful notice of how your clothes fit. I saw 2 pairs of butt cracks, the back of one very large thong (I seriously didn't know they made them that big, and imo it should be illegal) and the worst camel toe in history through a pair of jeans. Gross *enter gagging noises here. It did cross my mind what happened if she fell over and passed out.. who would be able to pick her drunk ass up? IF you are riding a motorcycle, don't argue with the door guy and then try to throw a punch at him when he tells you that you are not riding the bike home. Just get in the stupid cab!

I had an average weekend. Lots of drunken people, two nights of The Maxx (which even though you guys are ridiculously loud, enjoyed your music), only had one night where the credit cards and computers crashed, decided after watching this old couple make out like teenagers at the bar that there should definitely be an age limit that you are allowed to publicly display this kind of behavior and the ever looming roach problem is a really big problem. Saturday night when I arrived there was a big nasty roach (horns and all) still stuck from the night before in between the screens on the register. This one was lodged at a better location than last time. He only affected the pulling up a couple of tabs. How ever through the whole shift I got to watch him slowly die. By the end of the night, his leg would twitch every so often. It was really gross and even my bosses agreed. On Wednesday, the regulars in the corner were turning over our tip jars and trapping them on the bar. They thought it was funny. They were competing to see who could trap the most. OH!! and did you know the show soft porn late night on Telemundo? LOL They were asking for a soccer game and they put it on the only one the could find on Telemundo. Sometime after the game, one of the boys notices whats on the TV. Some naked guy bang'n a girl from behind LOL. Needless to say, one of the bartenders ran to change it. Only a few customers complained ~.-

So since I don't have any real customer stories (I was stuck in the well all weekend), I will share an archive from Sam's Boat.

C: Shiner pitcher please. Me: how many glasses? C: 4 Me: that will be $6 please. C: stares at me with a blank expression on his face Me: after a couple of awkward seconds... I said its $6. C: blinks. Me: Can I please have $6 for this pitcher please? C: no response. Me: What are you f**king deaf?! ENTER C2. he walks up behind him and says to me... C2: well yes he is actually. All of us that table over there are from the deaf society. Me: feels the need to duck down behind the bar and hide.....

They actually were pretty cool after that and came in pretty frequently. They teased me every time too.

Been awhile since my last update mainly due to not working enough shifts to produce any new material. Been studying and prepping for a test I just finished taking. So since I don't have really anything to report, I'm going to share a short story from a friend whom I play a game with. He's a bartender in the UK.


This one is for you Thunder ~.-

(conversation on the game)
Thunder: anyone watch Family Guy? Me: of course! I love Stewie!! Thunder: well I think I met the old man tonight. Me: The child molester one? lol Thunder: yeah, him Me: That's awesome! lol tell me what happened Thunder: Well he freaked out the other bartender so bad he wouldn't wait on him. Me: No way!! lol tell me! Thunder: I'll message it to you....

Open the message:
The guy had asked the bartender if he had a girlfriend. Bartender said yes and he was very happy with her. She gave awesome head. The old guy replied to that statement with "I have no teeth"



OH and btw I found some funny youtube videos called "the bartender hates you". Most of the stuff of course I'd love to do to customers, but can't. I would though if I won the lottery and didn't care about my job.

There was only one from last night, but it was enough to piss me off for the rest of the night.


C: Can I get an absolute and (enter mutter here) Me: I'm sorry we're out of absolute. C: ok what else do you have? Me: sputter off about 6 other vodkas C: I guess stoli will be ok Me: Ok, so that's a stoli and ? C:*turns around and starts talking to his buddy. Me: Excuse me sir? Oh well. You'll get thirsty eventually. Start taking other people's orders and making them. About 15 mins later customer turns around C: Hey where's my drink. Me: I told you we were out of absolute, you requested stoli and when I asked what you wanted with it you turned around. C: I want stoli Me: I know. what do you want with it? C: Stoli Me: (getting irritated) I KNOW, do you want it on the rocks, with juice, tonic? What? C: I want it with redbull. Me: Serve him his drink. C: Can I get it tall please? Me: really? C: yeah, i want a bigger glass Me: pour it into a bigger glass, add more ice and redbull. C: aww now you watered it down Me: I'm sorry, you didn't ask for a double. C: well put another shot in there. Me: Um yeah I need you to drink some of it down so I can fit another shot in there. C: no just add it on top! Me: (Pick up a glass, turn it over and proceed to bang my head a couple of times against it to mock banging my head on a wall) Dude, its not going to fit! C: OH. (sips his drink) Me: Pours one very short shot of stoli's C: that's it. Me: (fuming) That will be $11.50. C: you charged me for the second shot? Me: What did you expect me to do? C: hook me up and stick the money in your tip jar. Me: I don't what bar you normally go to but that's not how we do it here. Plus you're not worth losing my job over. $11.50 please. C: You're such a bitch. Hands me a $20, takes his change and walks off.

I had to walk away from the bar at the point. Emergency potty breaks are good for moments like that. I swear there needs to be a mandatory policy in this country that everyone out of high school must serve one year in the service industry so they can learn some couth.

C: Can I get a budlight and a miller lite? Me: sure, $6.50. C: hands me a very tangled and wadded up $20 bill Me: hands him back $13.50 in a wadded bundle C: wtf? Me: isn't that how you gave it to me? ~hee hee

C: 2 starfu**ers and crown and coke Me: Yes sir, it will be $19.25 C: hands me a credit card Me: Open or close sir? C: Open please Me: I'm going to give it right back. Swipe card, declined. go back to the customer, "Excuse me sir, do you have another form of payment? This card has been declined." C: Are you sure? Me: Positive. C: I just put money in there today. Me: I'm only telling you what my computer tells me. C: But I have plenty of money in there. Me: I'm sorry sir but it doesn't tell me why you don't have sufficient funds in your account. It just says declined. Hands him the receipt with the words.... DECLINED... on it. C: As soon as I got off from work I went and put money in my bank account. Me: I'm sorry sir however I'm going to need another form of payment or I'm going to have to confiscate your drinks. C: But.. Me: I'm not going to repeat myself. I'm not trying to be rude, however I am busy. C: hands me a $20 and tells me to keep the change........

C: (Staring at my cleavage) Can I get 2 budlights? Me: Hey! Up here, those don't serve drinks!

I was embarking on a conquest tonight to educate the misinformed about the spread of germs via "licking salt" off the neck of a bottle. This new trend in "dressed" mexican beer has probable cause to show rise in such illnesses as strep throat, flu, mad cow disease, possibly cancer, herpes, erectile pineal dysfunction, food poisoning, brain tumors, and the ever looming H1N1. Although the research is still in testing, a series of tests performed on homeless people across the US show the results are astoundingly creditable. One who partakes in dressing their long neck with salt are imposing a health epidemic on the US citizens. The FDA is considering a mandatory "Face Mask" station at the entrance of every bar in the United States. Long Neck Lickers beware!

On arrival and through the whole shift my waitresses, who honestly deserve a better title, kept praising me for being there. I love when my girls miss me! Even if its because the boys don't pay attention to them or don't serve them fast enough. The waitress well needs love too, and girls, I'm here for you! Rock on!