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Saturday, September 11, 2010

So many ppl have been asking why I haven't updated this thing in so long. Partly its because its hard to be dedicated to 9 followers when I'm busting my butt in Nursing school, getting very little sleep and even less nutrients. Not to mention only working two shifts a week and usually in the waitress well, away from the bar idiots. OH and Rat Ranch took a month off (hee hee). Its their crowd that generally brings all the good stories, and last night wasn't any different! Thanks Rat Ranch! My fans love you ~.-

Here were a few from last night, the last being the main pain in the arse. Keep in mind, I'm functioning on low sleep, low patience, a terrible cold, a one sided sore throat, a swollen tongue from biting it the prior day and every other sentence, AND a back ache. Getting old STINKS!

C: Can I get two shots of tequila? Me: What kind? C: What do you have? Me: Patron silver, Don Julio silver, 1800 gold and silver, Cuervo and the stuff I wouldn't even give my dog. C: Ha Ha! I'll try the cheap stuff! Me: Of course you will.... On the way to serve the shots my barback almost knocks me over while restocking glassware in the cooler and the one of the tequila's spill on my hand and up my arm. The Customer reaches over the bar, grabs my hand and licks it!!! Me: Whoa! Did you just lick my hand? You don't know where that thing has been! C: Well can't let good alcohol go to waste!! Me: That wasn't good alcohol and now I need a shower! $7.50 you sicko!

C: Can I get a Fat Tire Draft? Me: Of course! Turn to go and open the cooler to the cold glasses.. C: WAIT!!!! Me: Stop in front of the open cooler and turn around to glare at the guy C: I said I wanted a Fat Tire Draft (BO OFF IN THE DISTANCE SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SAYING AUDIBLY, "Oh he's going to get it!") Me: Do you want to do my job? C: No I just requested a draft. Me: Do you see what I'm standing in front of? C: Um beer? Me: and what else? C: glasses? Me: EXACTLY genius! Now I can be a good bartender and serve you a Fat Tire draft in a cold glass but I think for this purpose you deserve one of the hot glasses sitting in front of you to teach you a lesson! C: NO!! I promise I'll let you do your job, please give me a cold glass! Me: You're lucky I'm not up for throw'n bows ~grabs cold glass and serves him his stupid Fat Tire, which we don't even have in bottles! Grr!

WARNING! I am about to imitate this Asian lady with a horrific accent who was extremely hard to understand. If I offend anyone, please remember, I don't discriminate! I hate everyone equally!

C: (digging through her purse) Wed whine, merwhoa. Me: Wait! slow down and repeat please. Your accent is very strong. C: Wed Whine, merwhoa. Me: Merlot? C: Ya, merwhoa. Serves her the glass of wine. C: Tis is tewwible! Last time mo smoove. Me: *laughing out loud! Are you sure you've drank red wine from here? We don't serve any smooth red wine. C: Ya, last time here. Me: Um maybe you had a Cabernet, let me get you a little glass. Serves her a shot glass of Cab. C: *grimaces Uck! Way Wowse. I'll just dwink dis. Me: ok, $2.50 please. C: Give me a $5 and thanks me.

About 15 mins later...
C: That whine made me feel funny, do you have kitchen? C: No ma'am. I'm sorry our happy hour food was just cleared and the fajita guy doesn't get here for another 45 mins. You can always order chili's and they'll deliver it over. C: No, I just dwink. Wed Whine! C: *giggle ok! Repeats the process

About 30 mins later my waitress is bitching about the asian lady in the corner, reading the Houston Press and asking her to read her this ad. Same customer approaches the bar again. I can hear her slaughter her order with the other bartender and she looks at me and points to her. I slap my forhead. Repeat the process.

About 10 mins later, me and the other bartender are the only ones behind the bar and the asian lady comes up to the bar again!! This time holding a cellphone, ranting and yelling in her awful accent that her ex-boyfriend replied to her text that she sent by accident 3 days ago.

C: Can you help me?! I need to send message! Me: I'm kinda working but I'll try. C: He sent this message! I hate him! He almost make me commit suicide! I cry for 2 howas! Me: Ok, ok. we'll send him a reply. C: I bwoke iphone. Thew it out caa window, wan over. This crap phone. Razor! 2 yeas old. Can't text! Me: ~grabs the phone and starts to reply. It takes me about 10 mins to remember how to text on the razor without any T9 help lol C: wat you say? Me: ~shows the customer the message C: k. send! Me: Done. Anything else? C: ya where tacos? Me: Right out side that door. I think you need about 3!

Luckily she didn't come back. I was about ready to punch her in the face. There were about 3 other crying asians in the building. One was holding up the 2 stall restroom upstairs for so long the customers were yelling at her to get out. Girls, if you're going to cry in your beer, leave and go to your car. No one wants to see your drama!