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Friday, April 18, 2014

To all my barstool fans, I have created a new blog on a new address. Mainly because I couldn't remember what email I put this one on, and with limited mom alone time, I just went with it LOL Here's the new address and new blog if you guys want to start following me there. After this post, I am no longer posting here. My life as a bartender is gratefully OVER.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

After finding a shot glass of puke on my bar one Saturday night I thought it was time to blog again after a very long break.

I have been a full time nursing student since last August and haven't really found the extra time or energy to blog (bitch). So to my adoring fans, here's some new material for you!

C: ~hanging on to the bar for dear life ... Can I have two more lemon drops and then close my tab? Me: I'll be right with you hun.. ~thinking in my head.. hmm I only gave her one round and this bitch can't even stand up!... go get manager and rat her out for being drunk... Back to the bar, keep working... C: excuse me!! Hello, can I get my shots?! Manager: Excuse me ma'am.... It gets inaudible until she starts calling me all kinds of dirty names for not serving her the last round and her tab is still there without any ink on it. After about 5 mins of her bashing me, she signs it and gets escorted out. So tempting to put a tip on there myself... FYI people, make sure you total your tabs out.. not all bartenders are as honest as I am!

Me: Can I help you sir? C: No I'm waiting on him (pointing to the other bartender). Me: Ok..... ~yelling "HEY "ENTER BARTENDERS NAME HERE" YOU HAVE A FAN WAITING FOR YOU!" Me: waits on 5 other customers, finishes transactions. Me: Are you sure you don't want to order something from me? He's kinda busy. C: No, I'll wait. Me: If you say so. Me to C1: Can I help you? C1: Budlight Me to C2: Can I help you? C2: two Miller lites, a XX, a kettle one and 7, and a goose and soda Me to C3: Can I help you? C3: two Budlights and two jagers Me: grabs and pops open the 3 budlights, serves the single to C1 and the two to C3, grabs and pops open the 2 Miller lites and XX to C2, set up my glassware after collecting $5 from C1. As I'm filling up my glasses with ice, the C who was waiting for the other bartenders puts his hand over my glasses and says C: Can I have a goose and tonic, a gin and soda, and a crown and 7? Me: MOTHER FUCKER!!! You just fucked up the drink order in my head!!! C: Well I've been waiting for 20 mins. Me: You insisted on waiting for and now you're definitely going to wait on him! Try stepping to HIS side of the fucking bar! Me: cussing under my breath.. to C2 could you please repeat your mixers?! As I was finishing opening the tabs for C2 and C3 I could hear the C bitching to the bartender he was waiting on telling him what a bitch I was and how he'll never come back to this bar again because of me. The other bartender who he was waiting on looks over to me and says, "Thank God! I've been avoiding him on purpose because he hasn't tipped me in 5 years." FRIGGIN AWESOME, and I'm the one who looks like the asshole!

5 signs you're not getting tipped!
1) a group of girls show up to the bar at once and all start separate tabs
2) The last name on the tab is Martinez and the bill is over $75
3) The customer asks what's on special before ordering
4) You ask what the cheapest shot you can make then order 5+.
5) You mention you used to bartend in college. **IF you have enough balls to mention you bartend or wait tables, its an automatic give away a dollar per drink says you're lying. WE ALL TIP BIG... PERIOD.
6) AN EXTRA ONE! when your drunk ass gets booted out of the club!

Some tips that will get you faster service:
1) Drink the same thing everytime you come to the bar and have a tab
2) Tip huge! like the guy who would give me a $20 for one beer. he was first everytime
3) Be a regular.
4) Don't keep moving around the bar, stay put!
5) Order your drinks from the fastest bartender

I implore all of you to put the shoe on the other foot! After midnight on Friday nights when I've been up since 4 am and have to keep going til 4am (yes, der 24 hours I'm up) Nice usually ends at midnight. If I'm not smiling, don't ask why not. If I snap back and say I'm tired, don't ask why. Just order your damn drink, pay for it and make my life easier. Just because you're getting crappy service, service without a smile, or just impersonal service, the person serving you might have some crazy ass circumstances such as mine and we really don't feel like putting up with your shit.

There might be a St. Patty's Day blog update. I'm pretty positive I'll be working. I also did no proof reading and I'm at school so no laughing at me. I'm short on sleep and patience, I might just show up and punch you in the trachea!


Saturday, September 11, 2010

So many ppl have been asking why I haven't updated this thing in so long. Partly its because its hard to be dedicated to 9 followers when I'm busting my butt in Nursing school, getting very little sleep and even less nutrients. Not to mention only working two shifts a week and usually in the waitress well, away from the bar idiots. OH and Rat Ranch took a month off (hee hee). Its their crowd that generally brings all the good stories, and last night wasn't any different! Thanks Rat Ranch! My fans love you ~.-

Here were a few from last night, the last being the main pain in the arse. Keep in mind, I'm functioning on low sleep, low patience, a terrible cold, a one sided sore throat, a swollen tongue from biting it the prior day and every other sentence, AND a back ache. Getting old STINKS!

C: Can I get two shots of tequila? Me: What kind? C: What do you have? Me: Patron silver, Don Julio silver, 1800 gold and silver, Cuervo and the stuff I wouldn't even give my dog. C: Ha Ha! I'll try the cheap stuff! Me: Of course you will.... On the way to serve the shots my barback almost knocks me over while restocking glassware in the cooler and the one of the tequila's spill on my hand and up my arm. The Customer reaches over the bar, grabs my hand and licks it!!! Me: Whoa! Did you just lick my hand? You don't know where that thing has been! C: Well can't let good alcohol go to waste!! Me: That wasn't good alcohol and now I need a shower! $7.50 you sicko!

C: Can I get a Fat Tire Draft? Me: Of course! Turn to go and open the cooler to the cold glasses.. C: WAIT!!!! Me: Stop in front of the open cooler and turn around to glare at the guy C: I said I wanted a Fat Tire Draft (BO OFF IN THE DISTANCE SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SAYING AUDIBLY, "Oh he's going to get it!") Me: Do you want to do my job? C: No I just requested a draft. Me: Do you see what I'm standing in front of? C: Um beer? Me: and what else? C: glasses? Me: EXACTLY genius! Now I can be a good bartender and serve you a Fat Tire draft in a cold glass but I think for this purpose you deserve one of the hot glasses sitting in front of you to teach you a lesson! C: NO!! I promise I'll let you do your job, please give me a cold glass! Me: You're lucky I'm not up for throw'n bows ~grabs cold glass and serves him his stupid Fat Tire, which we don't even have in bottles! Grr!

WARNING! I am about to imitate this Asian lady with a horrific accent who was extremely hard to understand. If I offend anyone, please remember, I don't discriminate! I hate everyone equally!

C: (digging through her purse) Wed whine, merwhoa. Me: Wait! slow down and repeat please. Your accent is very strong. C: Wed Whine, merwhoa. Me: Merlot? C: Ya, merwhoa. Serves her the glass of wine. C: Tis is tewwible! Last time mo smoove. Me: *laughing out loud! Are you sure you've drank red wine from here? We don't serve any smooth red wine. C: Ya, last time here. Me: Um maybe you had a Cabernet, let me get you a little glass. Serves her a shot glass of Cab. C: *grimaces Uck! Way Wowse. I'll just dwink dis. Me: ok, $2.50 please. C: Give me a $5 and thanks me.

About 15 mins later...
C: That whine made me feel funny, do you have kitchen? C: No ma'am. I'm sorry our happy hour food was just cleared and the fajita guy doesn't get here for another 45 mins. You can always order chili's and they'll deliver it over. C: No, I just dwink. Wed Whine! C: *giggle ok! Repeats the process

About 30 mins later my waitress is bitching about the asian lady in the corner, reading the Houston Press and asking her to read her this ad. Same customer approaches the bar again. I can hear her slaughter her order with the other bartender and she looks at me and points to her. I slap my forhead. Repeat the process.

About 10 mins later, me and the other bartender are the only ones behind the bar and the asian lady comes up to the bar again!! This time holding a cellphone, ranting and yelling in her awful accent that her ex-boyfriend replied to her text that she sent by accident 3 days ago.

C: Can you help me?! I need to send message! Me: I'm kinda working but I'll try. C: He sent this message! I hate him! He almost make me commit suicide! I cry for 2 howas! Me: Ok, ok. we'll send him a reply. C: I bwoke iphone. Thew it out caa window, wan over. This crap phone. Razor! 2 yeas old. Can't text! Me: ~grabs the phone and starts to reply. It takes me about 10 mins to remember how to text on the razor without any T9 help lol C: wat you say? Me: ~shows the customer the message C: k. send! Me: Done. Anything else? C: ya where tacos? Me: Right out side that door. I think you need about 3!

Luckily she didn't come back. I was about ready to punch her in the face. There were about 3 other crying asians in the building. One was holding up the 2 stall restroom upstairs for so long the customers were yelling at her to get out. Girls, if you're going to cry in your beer, leave and go to your car. No one wants to see your drama!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

So long time no blog. Summer school is taking its toll. Here are some shift notes from tonight. I was feeling froggy!

There is a group of very older, chunky ladies we call the cougars. They are 1) annoying 2) water pitcher drinking 3) ulgy shoe wearing 4) poorly dressed older women who run my waitresses to death, order in spurts, hit on all the youngins, dance like two pigs tied up in a sack, and stand in the only walk space available. Tonight was one of their bdays. She got walked out but poor thing should had been carried out. They were all wearing glowing bunny ears and the bday girl herself was wearing blinking penis's on her head. Totally not cool. That's probably why you went home in a cab, alone. Oh and lets not forget the singing in unison of "You got what I need" numerous times ladies.......

I have more but will have to write whenever I find more free time. I still have the notes.

And a shot out to Mark. Love you buddy, stay strong and laugh a little. I know it sucks but you are in our prayers.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

short 4 hour shift, long enough to make me bald. Nothing out of the ordinary as far as stupidity goes but some shift notes for my loyal fans.

IF you are good looking, whether you admit it or not, leaving the bartender with an empty tip jar drops your cute points dramatically. I've even told other women whom have asked about you that you're a cheap ass and probably will expect them to pay your bills. Men, tip your damn bartender.

Wedding parties... omg. What a nightmare. Already been drinking, socializing at the pub in ugly bridesmaid dresses and half drunk. NIGHTMARE. Oh and if you yell miss one more time I'll yank that pretty little flower out of your hair and make you eat it!

Everyone tonight seemed like they had rocks in their mouths while ordering. I mean, it could have been my pounding head ache and the loud band, but I doubt it. Speak up and enunciate your order!

Met a guy for the first time tonight who admitted he had Tourette Syndrome. It would have been funny had he cursed like the guy in Boondock Saints. Instead, he was painful to wait on because he couldn't get his order out of his mouth for stuttering.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Not much to write about. Memorial Day weekend is pretty slow because everyone goes out of town. Here are a few shifts notes from the night.

When I hear certain orders, I automatically know you are not going to give me the appropriate tip. When someone comes up to the bar and orders 5 irish car bombs at $7.50 a pop, I know I'm going to get screwed on the tip. Anyone ordering more than 2 patron shots, I'm getting screwed. If you order an long island ice tea, 90% chance I'm going to get screwed. Guiness? Ya 50% chance even if I take the time and pour it right, which lately I'm finding a better way to screw you in return for not tipping.

Things that will get you an automatic ejection from the bar:
Randomly trying to kiss a random customer at the bar. Yeah Hector, that's for you!

Falling off your barstool.

Taking my salt tray and dumping it in my tip jar. WTF dude!

Falling asleep at the bar. Yes, it happens more than you think!

So thats about it. Since I was in the waitress well it was pretty boring and since I can't whine about what goes on behind the bar I'll just end by giving some advice.

Take the $300 cab ride home. Its better than flirting with the $10k DUI. If you buy a girl a drink, and she tells you she's going to the bathroom, she's most likely not coming back. Buying girls drinks all night does not mean they're going home with you, or giving you their correct number. Hitting on the bartender does not get you free or stronger drinks. Tipping big on the other hand will =) All bartenders are entrepreneurs. Want my attention? SHOW ME THE MONEY! lol

Two more days... You'll get your crack!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Tonight we were slow and had an unusual amount of foreigners, which isn't a bad thing, they just take more time to wait on mainly due to miscommunication. For instance, this guy orders a coffin. A coffin? yeah we're low on those.. btw, what is it? lol Well it happens to be a generous splash of coke mixed in the same glass as a light beer... EWW! So Stella and coke the man gets. A woman in the same party was drinking Dry Vermouth on the rocks with a lemon! I didn't even know how to charge for that! lol And bring on the ghetto! Thanks for making me cringe one more time with a truly nasty drink! Hennessy with raspberry liquor and pineapple! ICK! There were a few idiots tonight but this one took the cake!

C: I'll take a greygoose on the rocks with lemon and lime. Me: Serves the drink, "$6.50 please." C: this is greygoose right? Me: Yes. C: it doesn't look right. are you sure its not water? Me: excuse me? what do you mean it doesn't look right? C: Its not the right color. Me: I'm not sure what color greygoose is in your country, but here its clear. C: It just doesn't look right. Me: Don't know what to tell ya. Its definitely goose.