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Sunday, April 25, 2010

oh and the only good bar joke I heard tonight....

why do men read maps so well?

Its because they are the only ones who can imagine 1" equals a mile.

-hee hee
I only worked two days this week. I also happened to work two late shifts. This is what occured during my shifts....


Arrive at the bar and we already have a group of people on one tab that is around $400 when I clock in. pparently they had been there since about 5pm. I clock in at 9pm. They close down the bar, close the tab out and its about $1k. They give us $200 on the tab and $200 in cash. Now that's the way a corporation should take care of the servers! Good on ya mate!

I go to the restroom. I am in the process of flushing and pulling down my skirt when I hear a loud bang and the floor trembles. I walk out to find a circle of people around this guy who has passed out and taken a table and 2 chairs down with him. All I see are two legs and feet, not moving. Apparently this guy has passed out before and this was another occurance. Dude, you need to seek rehab.

C: (in an inaudiable voice and turning his head away from me) mumbles a drink order Me: I'm sorry, what was that? C: repeat Me: I can't hear you, can you repeat that? C: repeat Me: (grabs his head and faces it towards me) repeat that please C: repeat Me: (grabs his head again and holds it in place facing me) say that one more time C: I want a Shiner draft. Me: Well thank you! I'm not sure you noticed but there is a LOUD band playing behind you!

On a side note, I actually got asked by the same girl 4 times to make her a greygoose and vodka. No shit. When did greygoose and cranberry get mistaken for this?


I arrive and get behind the bar. The very first transaction is a credit card transaction. I tell them, the stapled copy is mine and the other is yours. Customer takes off with the stapled copy. (sigh) Already the customers are not listening to me. Seriously? Already? The next 4 drink orders from customers and every bottle I touch runs out of alcohol. This is going to be a long night.....

C: Can I have a snakebite? Me: serves the beer cocktail. That will be $4.75 C: and a margarita? Me: is that all? C: (talking to his friend about what he ordered) and another snakebite? Me: (sigh) ok. $13.75 C: I also would like some darts Me: ok that will be $13.75 for the drinks and a credit card and an ID or an ID and a $10 deposit for the darts C: huh? Me: Ok, obviously you guys were smoking in the parking lot before you came in! (in a tone like I'm talking to a 2 year old) It will be $13.75 for the drinks..... and for the darts I need a credit card and an ID, OR an ID and a $10 deposit. C: how much are the darts? Me: (looks left then looks right) they are free. Just need what I asked for. You'll get them back when you return them. C: So the darts are free? Me: (getting aggrivated) Yes. The darts are free providing proper deposit to borrow them, the drinks however are NOT free. 5 mins later, they finally get it together.

When? When did it become a drink order to ask for your mixer before the alcohol?! You don't ask for a coke and rum or a cranberry and vodka! You ask for a vodka and cranberry, a crown and coke, a RUM and COKE!!! 13 years behind the bar and this is what I have to deal with. It may seem dumb, but when you order from a bartender, we group things in our heads such as beer, shots, wine, and alcohol. When you order your mixer FIRST, it throws us all off.

OK, last note on the bar: We are a 32 year old bar. We have issues. Roaches are one of them. They have morphed into a type of roach I have never witnessed. Instead of being large in size or having wings, these things have these horned things on their backs! Totally wicked looking! I've never seen anything like them! Oh and not to mention the whole shift on Friday I had to enter in my transactions around a dead small roach from inside our touch screen. He was lodged in between the screens. I found it rather difficult to enter in tips because he was in the way of the number 2 on the touch pad. 2 is rather important when entering in tips. Totally gross!!! Although he wasn't there for the Saturday shift.... odd.

Just so everyone knows, we don't serve food. We do however share property with other businesses that could attract these nasty creatures. I've been told if we spray for roaches, which we do weekly, we'll have more fruit flys, and if we spray for fruit flys, we'll have more roaches....... Seriously, there is no win on this situation.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

so nothing exceptionally dumb happened tonight. I thought maybe I would share an old experience. Only two people I talk to every now and then will remember this story.....

Sunday afternoon. Bar in Dallas. I am a bar manager set to go in and manage/bartend around 5. I get a call around 3 from my security guard telling me I'm need to come in early, there has been an event.

I show up. My red headed, hot tempered bartender has a paramedic working on her head, dressing her wounds. The bar is half empty according to her. I run over and ask what happened. She tells me this bitch hit her over the head with our fish bowl. About this time I'm a little confused. Fish bowl? Oh you mean that bowl we put the business cards in for a monthly drawing for a free lunch? Yeah thats the one. I stop asking questions and let her do her thing. I carry on and finish setting up the bar for a slow night. Once the bar empties out from the day shift and the afternoon football games, some employees and myself head to the office to watch the surveillance camera's for what really happened. And it goes a little something like this.....

Courtney, the red headed bartender, looks like she's having a normal shift. About 20 bar customers on a sunday afternoon watching football, eating and having some beers. There is this girl that keeps coming to the bar every 15 mins. After the 3rd time you can tell that Courtney is getting frustrated. There is no audio on the tape so we watch for body language. You can see the bartender flipping her hair out of the way, shaking her head. Who knows what is going on. The next transaction between this girl and Courtney is long. You can tell there is some aggressive behavior from both girls. You see Courtney pacing up and down the bar. The next time that girl comes up to the bar, both are pointing fingers and waving arms. Its clear they are in an argument. Both girls are showing signs of aggression towards each other by waving arms, pointing fingers and running their mouths. The talk escalates to the girls aggressively pointing to the end of the bar and then running towards it, except the customer picks up the fish bowl and carries it to the end of the bar. When they meet, the customer bashes Courtney over the head with the fish bowl. Without hesitation Courtney takes the blow and immediately grabs the customer by the hair and starts to beat her head with her fist repeatedly. After she grabs a hand full of hair and bashes her in the head with her knee. The boys in the bar try to break them up. It all ends with the guys the customer was with dragging the girl kicking out the door and Courtney restrained by other customers.

This was all viewed on cameras. No charges were ever pressed and Courtney didn't loose her job, only because we had no one to replace her.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

guy in the middle of the bar on his cellphone, hanging half way across it propped up on his elbows. I have noticed he's been there for a couple of minutes but he hasn't made eye contact. I make one sweep, two sweeps, three sweeps and he is still deep in his conversation over the loud band (I must have a really crappy phone lol). Customer reaches OVER the bar and stops me like a toll both gate arm. C: Excuse me, you've been ignoring me and I'd like a drink? Me: Pfft! I'm sorry if no one has informed you of this thing called cellphone etiquette. I advise if you want a drink to put down your damn phone down long enough to make contact and order your drink. Now quit being rude and I'll be with you in just a moment. C: -look of shock and disbelief

Here are a couple of examples why bartenders hate girls, and groups of them.

2 girls at the bar gossiping. Me: Hey ladies, what can I get for you? C1: I'll have a malibu and coke C2: Do you have any drink specials? Me: Spurt off the happy hour specials C2: umm. what kind of wine do you have Me: cheap. we have every color. C2: What kind of red do you have? Me: Liberty Creek Cab and Merlot. C2: ugh..... give me a second please. Me: sure.... make the other drink for C1. serve $3 please. C2: ok I'll have a glass of chardonnay. Me: serve $2.50. C1 and C2 both give me seperate credit cards to open.

The rest of the night they sit outside with a waitress running her around ordering their drinks from her, promising on the "next round" to get it from the bar, which they don't. 4 drinks each later they come in to close their tabs. The waitress sends me on tab and tells me to put it on the chard chick cuz she said so. C2: we'd like to close out please Me: closes out the card and hands it over C2: Miss? this is just wrong. you've over charged me and I want you to fix it now. Me: Excuse me? I'll be with you as soon as I'm done serving these 8 shots of patron. So I walk over and she's got all this stuff circled. C2: I didn't drink these malibu's Me: Yeah I know. Your girl here did. C2: Well I'm not paying for them. Me: You must think that I'm in capable of taking them off your tab and adding them to hers by the tone of your voice. C2: Just fix it. Me: I fix it and close both tabs and take a shot for pure attitude adjustment.

Group of girls 2- They are all in a circle yapping about clothes, boys, etc. I approach with caution. Can I help you ladies? C1: Yes can I get a Jagerbomb? Me: go to serve and she's on the other side of her lady horde. so I set it aside. The rest of the lady horde are still yapping with some backs to the bar. Long story short they finally turn around to order, one by one each separately closing their one drink to a credit card. Finally the one chick who ordered the JB says to me C1: I ordered a jagerbomb from you like 10 mins ago. Me: Yeah I know and its been sitting there (pointing to her shot) waiting for you to pay for it. It takes her 10 more mins to give me exactly 7 wadded up dollars to pay for her stink'n shot.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Guys standing at the bar talking with empty drinks. Me: Would you care for another round? C: Sure! Two double bourbons and diet coke with lime. Me: Serves and asks for payment C: I have a tab Me: What's the last name? C: Swanson Me: -looks up on our tabs and cannot locate the customer's tab.. "Excuse me, did you open your tab at this bar or maybe with a waitress?" C: Oh yeah I opened it with Hope (pointing to her from across the bar) Me: Why the hell did you order from me then? I don't have access to her or anyone else's tabs other than the ones at this bar -walks away shaking my head.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

C: What do you have on tap? Me: I can name them for you, or you could turn around and look at them. You do have your back to the bar. C: Oh you have a lot! Me: Yeah we do. That's why I sympathize with a man who hasn't acquired the "eyes in the back of the head" trick like us women.

C: ML draft please Me: $1.75 C: Really? Me: Yes its our Wednesday special. C: Seriously? Me: seriously C: this beer is really $1.75?! Me: -eyeroll if you ask one more time I'm charging you double.

2am bar closes. 2:15am everyone is kicked out. 2:30am all tabs except the band's are closed and tips counted. 2:45 band tab is still open. Everything is clean, counted, organized...waiting on the band to finish paperwork. 3am Band closes all their tabs except one. Where is Seven (yes Seven is his name)Have you seen Seven? Can you pay his $19 tab so I can go home? No, can you find him please? 3:30am Seven is located. He's banging some girl in the parking lot. 3:45 out of pity his son pays his tab! Stupid Rockers.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The bar has been pretty disappointing as far a dumb customers are concerned. However tonight there were a few instances to display such behavior. It took all of 3 night shifts this week to finally get some material for the blog. Funny how it all happened in one blissfully slow night. I had decided to have a couple of cocktails before my 10 o'clock shift to make my mood slightly enhanced, and boy am I glad I did because it started off with some foreigners that had zero clue how to order drinks......Did I mention the band had a girl singer so we got to hear some things I've never heard in a bar lol Like Madonna. They were all dresses as characters. One guy was super Mario, another looked like dragon ball Z, the bass player looked like Speed Racer (helmet and goggles included) and the lead singer chick looked like a slut lol

C: What do you have on tap? Me: Seriously? (standing infront of the beer taps) C: Yeah. Me: Would you like for me to name them off for you? C: Yes. Me: Bud, Budlight, Millerlite, Coorslight, Shiner, Ultra, Killians, Woodchuck Apple, Sam Adams, Sam Adams Seasonal, Blue Moon, Shock Top, Bass, Harp, Guiness, Dos XX, Sierra Nevada,Stella, New Castle, Boddingtons. C: Do you have Budlight? Me: (look of disbelief) Yes. C: Give me one of those. Me: -serves the beer $3.25 C: ok I have one more coming Me: So you want me to wait? C: Yeah I have to go get my buddy at the door, your bouncer won't let him in. Me: .... 20 mins later C: ok he'll have a Shiner Me: $7 but there's a $10 service charge for making me wait. C: Really? Me: unfortunately not but wouldn't that be nice? C: Gives me exact change......

Girls arrive at the bar in a group. C: Can we get 3 bullblasters and 3 Dos XX Me: Bottle or draft C: yeah Me: Is that bottles or draft? C: whatever Me: -serves 3 bottles and 3 bullblasters C: We wanted drafts Me: Whatever is not a valid answer to my previous question of bottles or draft. C: We'll take the bottles. This is for one Dos XX -hands me a credit card, and this is for 3 of the shots -hands me another credit card, and how much is the rest. Me: I don't know. I failed 8th grade level math.

C: Give me a beer. Me: Want me to choose it for you? C: Well what do you have? Me: -sigh I have a lot C: on draft? Me: Everything behind me C: Hmmmm -walks away and leaves his buddy at the bar Me: So are you going to choose? C: Ummmm, give us a Stella Pitcher. Me: How many glasses? C: 6 Me: Honey you're going to need another pitcher. One pitcher holds 4 glasses C: Ok give me two then. Me: -serves the two pitchers $31 please C: I only have $20 Me: We take credit cards too. C: Can you take back the othe pitcher? Me: Seriously? C: Yeah. Me: Ok. -pours out the other pitcher..... C: Wait he'll pay for the second. Me: You just made me waste an entire pitcher of beer C: Can you retrieve it? Me: This dog don't hunt.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Customer has been ordering pitchers of beer and not tipping. So naturally since I'm in the service industry, I serve accordingly. No tip, slow service lol Hence T.I.P.S. = To Insure Prompt Service. On the third transaction I let my regular finish his joke before addressing the customer and asking him for his order....

C: Excuse me? Me: One sec please C: I need a drink Me: I'm in the middle of a conversation one sec C: Can I get a pitcher of Budlight Me: Pours the pitcher with a good amount of head on it.. $10 please C: Are you racist or something? Me: I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally.

Friday, April 2, 2010

At last call....

C: I'll have two rum and cokes Me: makes the drinks, serves and asks for $7.50 and notices he has two rum and cokes in front of him C: Where did these come from? Me: You ordered them from me C: No I didn't Me: Oh yes you did. C: Where did these other two come from? Me: Perhaps you double ordered. One from me and one from the other bartender? C: No I just ordered Me: Well you still owe me $7.50 from my order C: I'm not paying for your drinks Me: Seriously? C: Yeah, I didn't order these from you? Me: So who did you order them through? C: I don't know. I asked and they appeared Me: Well I didn't make up your drink order from my butt C: Its all your fault. Me: Excuse me? C: Its all your fault for making my drinks Me: Are you going to be paying for these or not? C: No I didn't order them from you! Me: ~gives the best evil eye I can give, removes the drinks and pours the drinks down the drain...... then adds them to my spill tab.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

C: 2 jagers and 2 bombs. No, 2 bulljagers. Wait 2 jagerblasters. Um.... Me: 2 jagerbombs?? C: Yeah those. Me: Are you sure you need anymore? C: of course Me: $14 C: you charge $14 for nyquil? Me: No I charge $14 for 2 jagerbombs. C: You don't think they taste like nyquil? Me: No I think they taste like ass. C: so you charge $14 for ass? Me: Yep! pay up. C: "shouting at the next customer" Don't drink anything she serves you! she'll charge you $14 for something that she says tastes like ass!! Me: ^sigh

C: Can I have a big bluemoon with a shot of chambord? Me: In the same glass? C: yes Me: Let's clarify this... bluemoon with a shot of chambord? C: yes Me: really? C: Yes Me: ^serves a shot of chambord and a 22oz bluemoon "I wasn't sure of the ratio so I gave you both in seperate glasses....... ( in my head... yeah that just sounds gross but I'm too nice to tell you that)